Post Nine: Madagascar

Saw Madagascar today. It sucked.

Inflicted on us by Dreamworks, who I believe was also responsible for the even-more-painful A Shark Tale, the only redeeming feature is . . . well, I suppose it looks pretty. But it is not funny. At all. There was not a moment that I broke a grin, much less a chuckle. Filled to the brim with kicks to the crotch, the movie was one giant kick to the crotch of the viewing audience, unless you happened to be under the age of five.

The movie suffered on numerous counts: first, the voices were just boring. Ben Stiller as a New York lion? Eh. David Schwimmer as a hypochondriac giraffe? Eh. Chris Rock as himself in zebra form? Eh. Whoever did the voices of the penguin? Eh. Don't know, don't care. There is simply nothing memorable about their voices: they don't do anything for the character. It's merely a case of "ooo, I know who's doing that voice!"

There is also the problem that the script just sucked: there were no funny lines. Zebra: "Grand Central Station. It's grand. And it's central." Was this supposed to be funny? Or was the fact that Chris Rock said it supposed to make us laugh? And I'm sure the movie was just chock-full of such lines. But I can't remember any of them.

As proven by The Incredibles (which in my opinion was one of the best movies of 2004, animated or otherwise), you do not have to dumb-down humor to have a good movie that appeals to all ages. Madagascar is just plain dumb.

Post Eight: Memorial Day Resolutions

Well, sitting around recuperating from a chest/back workout, currently enjoying the day off. I have decided to make a more committed commitment to working out. I used to be pretty big back in my undergrad days, and I would like to have that back. Of course, I was also taking a long-distance running course, so I was in pretty damn good shape all the way around. I should also alternate days with a cardio workout. I've got the X-Box "game" that works out as an aerobics instructor, so I just need to make myself do it.

My goal: breaking 300 lb. on bench press by October 2005. Actually, this shouldn't be all that hard. I've been working out at least sporadically for the past year, and I figure I was benching at least 285 a few months ago (during one of my "earnest" periods) (it's actually kind of hard to max-out at home with no one to make sure I don't crush my chest). Now I just have to find out where my desire goes during these down periods.

Yeah, it's all in a vain attempt to impress the ladies. Still waiting on that . . .

Post Seven: Serenity

Saw the advanced screening of Serenity Thursday night. I loved it. I've decided against spoilers in this case, but it was everything I hoped it would be, and just served to remind me how much I really miss Firefly. Thanks, Fox (you fuckers). At least it sounds like the SciFi Channel will be running the episodes this summer, leading up to the movie's wide-release on Septemer 30th.

Of course, the place was packed with fans, and the movie was incredibly well-received. A lot of contrasts to Episode III were thrown out (e.g., this is everything Star Wars should have been/wanted to be)(i.e., not very complimentary of Lucas). My only hope is that the movie finds its audience.

In 1977, Star Wars came out of the blue: no one knew anything about it, and that type of "space opera" had never been seen before. Five sequels/prequels later, and billions made, we all know how that turned out. It's probably hoping too much for a similar fate for Serenity, but comparisons can be drawn. Mostly unknown actors, light sci-fi, great characters . . . the only thing is that the writing and story of Serenity are just so much better.

Ah, hell. If I stay too long on this, I'm going to start revealing too much. September 30th. Go see Serenity. Make it huge.

Post Six: NRO's interview with Brian Anderson

National Review Online has an interview with Brian Anderson, the author of South Park Conservatives: The Revolt Against Liberal Media Bias. The book is a great read; I highly recommend it. But the purpose of this post is the following excerpt from NRO's interview:

But I think those conservatives who see South Park as one more sign of cultural breakdown should at least consider the significance of a show that has mocked hate-crime legislation, environmentalism, multiculturalism, and a host of liberal celebrities, winning a huge and enthusiastic following among younger Americans. What’s more, anybody who describes Hollywood the way Trey Parker did to Andrew Breitbart and Mark Ebner a while back deserves at least an ear from the Right: “Celebrities view themselves as the f***ing Mozarts of their time. Even f***ing Ray Romano thinks he is an enlightened individual. These people all think they are enlightened artists and therefore speak for the country. But I haven’t met one celebrity who wasn’t a little bit f***ed up. Actors and actresses are the worst, because they are just f***ing monkeys. Half the people in this country can do what they do, but for some reason they think their opinion matters.” That’s not the voice of Allan Bloom or William F. Buckley, for sure, but it expresses a powerful truth nonetheless.

Classic.

Post Five: Any New Parties on the Horizon?

It's becoming harder to maintain my status as a Republican.

It really goes back to the Terry Schiavo thing. What the hell were they thinking? Fifteen years of appeals on the state court level, and the House decides to ignore res judicata, the 10th Amendment, and common-fucking-sense, and pass a ridiculous, unconstitutional (in my opinion) law allowing the federal court to rehash the issue. Whatever your position on euthanasia, it was the wrong thing to do, particularly from the party that purportedly supports a lack of interference in people's private lives.

Whatever happened to the party of Reagan? Lower taxes. Strong defense. Butt the fuck out of people's private lives. Maybe it came with the loss of a unifying, serious threat to America's way of life that was the USSR (I've yet to be convinced that terrorists are anything more than a minor risk that we just need to watch out for in the wake of 9/11). Regardless, it has become more and more apparent that this new breed of Republicans (e.g. Tom DeLay and Rick Santorum) believe their own hype. They are out to dictate morality, which you cannot do when the "immorality" doesn't infringe on others' rights. Maybe the voters in Houston will recognize DeLay for what he is, and the Republican party will be able to shed the anchor that he is. Right.

And don't talk to me about Democrats. All they want to do is take more of my paycheck, put it in the middle of a very large room, and piss on it. Say what you want about defecits, but the Republicans are at least lowering my taxes. Democrats have also become the party of unreasonable opposition. What the hell is the problem with private Social Security accounts? At least provide the option; I'll agree to fade the heat in the event of a crash.

Sigh. Anyone know when the Libertarian party is going to field a viable candidate?

Post Four: Quick analysis of Vader

This didn't quite fit in my last post, but it occurred to me while typing up my review of Episode III: Darth Vader is really kind of a wuss. Sure, he can choke people with his mind, lift people off their feet with one hand, and the breathing thing is kind of creepy. But really, he talks a good game about his desire for power, but really can't bear being alone which constantly proved to be his undoing.

In Episode I, his security blanket is his mommy. Granted, he's six years old. But with his skills at mechanics, he could have arranged some sort of "accident" for the shop-owner: then, sky's the limit. But no, he settles for a secure, safe existence as a slave. Wuss.

In Episode II, it's Padme. If he would have just done what a Jedi was supposed to do (i.e., control his desires and lead a celibate life), he would have eventually achieved the much-desired rank of Master. But that whole "I'm in love" thing just screwed that whole idea to hell.

In Episode III, again, it's Padme. After going to the dark side, he tells Padme that he will one day overthrow Palpatine, and he and she can rule the galaxy as husband and wife; she rejects him outright. Lonely and dejected, he goes totally off the deep end putting all thoughts of ruling the galaxy out of his head. I put part of the blame on Padme for this one: just think how things might have turned out had Padme said, "Great idea, Annie. I'll put up with this Sith thing for awhile. Just try to hide it around Mom."

In Episode IV, it was General Moff Tarkin. Recall that in III Vader had talked about overthrowing the Emperor. Twenty years down the line, and he's still waiting in the wings. And with a fully-functional Death Star at his bidding. Obviously, he was Moff Tarkin's boy (and ain't that always the way? Surprised this point wasn't addressed in Chasing Amy): Moff Tarkin wouldn't oppose the Emperor, so he wouldn't either. Again, can't do anything on his own.

In Episode V, he really has no excuse for not overthrowing the Emperor. No one really close as a second in command. He eliminates several high-ranking underlings who "fail" him. He seems about ready to make that final turn to take over the Empire. But does he? No. He still needs someone to hold his hand, and finds it in his son, Luke Skywalker. He begs Luke to join him so they can rule together. Yet Luke rejects him, and Vader lets him escape.

In Episode VI his desire for his son to join him (i.e., his desire not to be alone) becomes his obsession. This, as we know, is his fatal flaw. During the last battle, Luke is at the Emperor's mercy, but instead of ramming his lightsaber through the Emperor's chest when his back was turned, then dispatching Luke who rejected him not once but twice, he engages the Emperor hand-to-hand, allowing the lightning bolts to hasten Vader's end.

Clearly, Vader simply did not have what it took to rule.

Post Three: Episode III

Well, here's my take on Episode III: better than Jedi, but contrary to the NY Times' review, not as good as Star Wars. This obviously makes it superior to either of the first two prequels, but still, there's something off about it that prevents me from just singing its praises too much.

It has flaws: the dialogue sucks, particularly when Anakin and Padme share the screen. Lucas could not write lovers' dialogue to save his life. How many times did I cringe at the screen, thinking, "Just let them say what they feel. Cut out the lame attempts at poetic bullshit!" Simply put, Lucas was trying to make this love something it did not need to be.

But what do we really see these movies for? For the special effects and lightsaber fights. And Episode III has plenty. Yoda goes into ass-kicking mode again, and Mace Windu finally shows his stuff. But the biggest surprise was how much of a bad-ass the Emperor is with the lightsaber. We all know he can do the lightning bolts from the fingertips, but who knew he could swing the stick? For instance, he merely plays possom against Mace Windu in order to swing Anakin over to the dark side, ultimately resulting in Windu's death (Samuel L. Jackson wanted a memorable death, and he got it). And Yoda gives up against him. How's that for what appeared to be a decrepit old man in Jedi?

Another complaint: they turned Darth Vader into a sort of Frankenstein at the end with a cry of "NOOOOOOOO," breaking of bindings, and a stiff-legged walk. Perhaps it was some kind of Lucas homage . . . I don't know. But it has been getting play around the web, and not in a very positive light. Separated out from the whole, it comes off as incredibly cheesy. I'm sure I'll never be able to watch it the same way again.

That said, I'd like to see it in the theatre again. The change from Anakin to Darth Vader is just that good of story. I just wish someone else could have written the script.

Post Two: A damn geeky way to start this thing . . .

I have successfully acquired tickets to the May 26th advance showing of Serenity. And I didn't have to pay through the nose for them, either. Did quite a bit better than a friend of mine, so I'm happy. Content. Looking forward to the movie that no one else will be able to see until September. For anyone who might read this that does not know what this is, go search the web.

. . .

Changed my mind (it's a worthwhile cause). A couple of years ago, Joss Whedon of Buffy fame created a series called Firefly that aired on Fox. Two word description: space western. Slightly better description: follows a smuggler who was on the losing side of a civil war as he tries to eek out a living while protecting the lives of his crew (which include a brother/sister tandem being hunted by the government) on his ship, Serenity. It was hugely entertaining.

But following Fox's long-standing tradition of canceling excellent shows (and as an aside, can you believe they are actually holding on to Arrested Development? Can it be that Fox execs are learning?), Firefly met an unfortunate end without airing all of the episodes. Fortunately, enough people out there discovered the series on DVD, and voila!, movie out in September. The great thing is, the entire original cast is in the movie: no disconcerting replacement actors. Even better, I hear the entire cast is signed for two sequels. So we have a new trilogy to look forward to with the demise of Star Wars.

I'm sure I'll post about the premiere. I'll try to warn of spoilers (just in case someone actually reads this thing), but no promises.

Post One

This is my first post. Nothing to see here. It is just a test.