Post Sixty-Two: Iron Fist

You know, I've always thought Iron Fist was a great character. Since I don't really know too much about his history, I think my perception of him comes down to the fact that he has a pretty cool costume:

However, back during my first run on collecting comic books, Marvel killed him off in the last issue of the second Power Man & Iron Fist series, issue #125 I believe. Iron Fist was put in the position of being forced to use his chi to save a kid dying of cancer until Captain Marvel's wristbands (or a facsimile thereof) could be strapped on the kid's arms. While it appeared to be successful, expending so much of his chi knocked him out cold. It was actually quite poignant. {sniff!}

But wouldn't you know it? The little kid wakes up in pain, and out of desperation changes to his "Captain Hero" alter ego. He then proceeds to beat Iron Fist to death in some kind of attempt to wake him up. How's that for gratitude? That little shit.

Well, due to events that I didn't really know about at the time, Power Man had to make tracks because it looked like he was going to be accused of killing Iron Fist. So the final issue left him walking away to roam the earth like Jules in Pulp Fiction.

Fast forward to today's Marvel Universe. Well, I just came to learn that it was none other than Iron Fist who has been impersonating Daredevil while Matt Murdock was locked up with the Punisher on Rikers. Having been under the impression that Iron Fist was, in fact, dead, I quickly consulted Wiki to find out just what I'd missed in the last 15 years. Here's what I found:

The storyline [of Iron Fist's death] would not be resolved until years later, in the 1990s in Namor. Rand apparently returned from the dead, but was revealed instead to be the Super-Skrull, who admitted that he had been Captain Hero, and that the plot to destroy Rand and Cage's lives had been masterminded by Master Khan. It was also discovered that the "Iron Fist" that had died was actually a doppelgänger created by the H'ylthri. Rand had, in fact, been kidnapped and replaced by the H'ylthri just after he had left K'un L'un for the last time.

I have to say that this is one hell of a job ret-conning a character's death. And by that I mean complete bullshit. I know, it's kind of stupid to get worked up about a ret-con job, but come on: is this the best they could friggn' do?

I'm going to have to agree with my brother: I'm glad I skipped out on Marvel's 90s.

Post Sixty-One: A couple of CDs I picked up recently

Sunday, I picked up the new CDs from Helmet, Snow Patrol, and the Raconteurs (I'm sure I've misspelled that last one). Anyway, Sirius sold me on the last one by playing, pretty much non-stop, "Steady as She Goes." Damn catchy song. But now that I have the CD, I can take it off the memory function so I don't have to keep switching over to it whenever it is played.

Now, if only my iPod worked. More on that later.

Post Sixty: Civil War #3

If you've perused my prior posts, you know where I stand on the issue of hero registration as being currently presented in the Marvel "Civil War" summer event. Living, breathing nuclear weapon-equivalents are walking the streets, and deciding unilaterally when they are going to take it upon themselves to stop the bad guys. Inevitably, this results in massive property damage, but amazingly enough not a lot of innocent casualties. As a matter of fact, I never really heard of any bystander deaths in the Marvel universe.

That was until Namorita decided to throw herself into Nitro, a no-holds-barred villain who blows himself up at will, approaching near-nuclear levels. The resulting explosion killed over 600 people, including a lot of kids since this took place in a crowded suburban area near a school. All in the name of some reality TV show that was following Speedball and his team of also-rans around. [Side note: If I may make a suggestion to any Marvel writers who may read this: kill Speedball in prison. Painfully.]

The government has had enough. They've passed legislation requiring anyone who acts as a "superhero" to register with and serve on behalf of the government for three basic reasons: 1) training; 2) supervision; and 3) accountability. To me, it's extremely logical, and likely long-overdue. There are individuals who can level cities with a thought. But to my great consternation (and assuming internet polls are to be believed), a majority of Marvel readers appear to think this is a bad idea.

Dolts. Not one person has given me a good reason for why registration is not a good idea, other than the mere possibility that SHIELD might use them for some type of "black ops" procedure. Whatever: I hate hypotheticals. What people should start dealing with is reality, and what happened is that some untrained amateur asshole with a cocky attitude provoked a madman into killing hundreds of men, women, and children. And there was nothing preventing similar if not identical events happening some other time down the line.

Regardless, the heroes have picked sides. The anti-registration league is led by none other than Captain America. The pro-registration league is led by Iron Man. Both are absolutely convinced that they are right, and now one side is breaking the law. Iron Man's team has been tasked to hunt them down.

Well, the civil war took a turn for the serious this time around. After a somewhat abbreviated build-up, Cap's team of criminals is lured into a "trap" by the heroes supporting the Hero Registration Act. Iron Man pleads with Cap, asking for a mere five minutes to present his case. Cap appears to agree, then underhandedly sabotages his armor, provoking a battle royale between the two sides.

[Interlude: Cap has changed. Seriously, is this the act of Captain America? To not even hear Tony Stark out, one of his best friends for the last twenty years (fuck if I know how long the Marvel continuity has been going)? It just strikes me as utterly incongruous for a soldier who had willingly done the bidding of his country for the majority of his life.]

Regardless, this brings the wrath of Iron Man down on Cap. After rebooting his armor, Iron Man takes him apart. [It's almost unfair, but he really brought it on himself.] Hercules, one of Cap's team, sees this and tears through She-Hulk and Doc Samson to save Cap.

But fuck all that. What the issue comes down to is just one thing: THOR IS BACK, and in a BIG, BIG WAY. Right out of the gate, he levels Hercules with a big-ass-fucking bolt of lightning, and stops everyone in their tracks. Daredevil, the so-called "Man Without Fear," exclaims "My . . . God" as he stares (can he do that? ain't he blind?) at the awesome visage before him: Thor, standing with the summoned storm winds swirling, rain pounding, and lightning flashing all around, with a glare that simply says: "KNOCK THIS SHIT OFF RIGHT NOW."

[Edit: it has been pointed out to me that this may not be Matt Murdock, but someone impersonating Daredevil. I don't know: it looked like Murdock in the diner. While not conceding the point completely, given the apparent lack of 100% continuity between the issues, I'll concede the possibility it was not Matt Murdock in Daredevil costume.]

I am so geeked up, I can hardly stand it. Do I truly expect Thor to stay so firmly in Iron Man's camp? Not really. As a matter of fact, I anticipate him bitch-slapping Tony for hurting Cap so bad. But it's my firm belief that he is back to straighten these mere mortals out. And really, who better to do so?

Post Fifty-Nine: OH HELL YES

Take THAT, bitches! Thor returns in Civil War #3 to lay the smacketh DOWN (beginning with Hercules).

More later . . .

Post Fifty-Eight: Cowards!

Okay, so I posted my Open Letter to Supernova (see below) over on the MSN-run Supernova message boards. What can I say, I wanted it to be read beyond this little blog. Sue me.

It was a hit: the letter drew five pages of responses (all positive save for one moron who had the gall to level a feeble personal attack against me; no worries, I destroyed the little girl) and close to 2000 views. This was over five times the amount of any other thread. Despite the fact that I obviously voiced the concerns of many viewers (I'm not a "fan" of the show), the moderators deleted the thread.

Cowards. I'm willing to bet word got back to the "stars," and they couldn't take the criticism. Well, fuck 'em. Looks like they're going to get exactly what they deserve, and this will be my last post on the subject anywhere.

Unless, of course, one of them mentions my post on the air. How cool would that be?

Post Fifty-Seven: An Open Letter to Supernova

Dear Jason Newsted, Tommy Lee, Gilby Clarke, and Dave Navarro:

I've been watching your show on CBS, "Rock Star: Supernova," and I have just one question for you all:

What happened to your balls?

I've really got to know. Jason: you fucking ruled the world with Metallica (although I must say I've hated everything since and including the "black album"). Dave: you were a founding member of Jane's Addiction, one of the most critically acclaimed bands of the 1980s and 90s, who successfully combined glam, alternative, and straight out rock. Gilby: you tore it up with Guns N' Roses, and your solo album was so friggin' bluesy and cool. And Tommy: what the hell has happened to you since Dr. Feelgood?

At any given time, I have absolutely loved each of your bands, and still do love your legacy. But now, you are auditioning these absolute spares for the front-man job on this alleged supergroup of yours. And, if your reviews are to be believed, you actually think one of them is going to persuade the fans from your aforementioned groups to buy the inevitable album and go to shows. You have lost your minds.

Let's face it: other than the scary chick with all the shit in her face, if these people had their druthers, they'd be singing their little hearts out for Paula, Randy and Simon [sidebar: amazing that I know these names since I've never watched a minute of American Idol]. Obviously rejected because they just don't sing the standards in quite that pop fashion to suit the mass-market's taste, they now approach you in a thinly-veiled attempt to find their 15 minutes of fame.

To paraphrase one of you: these people have no idea who you are. Period. They have no concept of your musical legacies, or the genres you fucking created and set the standards for. Look at their friggin' song selection: one of these guys has sung "She Talks to Angels" (which he absolutely mangled through his wavy-voiced bullshit that he is so obviously very impressed with) and "Arms Wide Open" (a fucking Creed cover for Christ's sake!). Two other guys have done Coldplay covers. COLDPLAY! And one guy last night actually did the Rolling Stones' "Jumping Jack Flash": what a boring-ass, played-out song. Man, leave it to the Stones to do for their 50-year-old fans that still go to their shows. And what the hell is with all the mascara on the dudes?

And the chicks seem to be hung up on Nirvana: okay, while they had an undeniably punk influence, can you really say that Nirvana had balls (with the exception of Bleach)? Let me answer that for you: no, you can't (although Dave Grohl has rediscovered his pair with the Foo Fighters). And the scary chick who seems to be all the rage: you gave her props for doing that to Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire?" Dave, you had it right with your first comment. I guess the loss of your balls forced you to quickly turn tail once the audience grumbled. My God: you can't actually be considering being fronted by such a drama-queen, cape-wearing freak, can you?

There was the girl who did the Kinks cover . . . at least she was honest in her utter lack of comprehension as to what you are looking for (or at least should be). Finally, there was the girl who did Hole's "Violet." I suppose the slut-look is a prerequisite if you're going to consider a female lead, huh?

Side note: where the fuck did CBS find this crowd? Almost everyone I know who is just a big of fan of your stuff as I am would have torn most of these guys and girls to shreds for having the nerve to think they were worthy of fronting you. But here is this audience just bobbing right along, falling in love with anyone who can sing "pretty."

But therein lies the problem: you should not want and do not need anyone who can sing "pretty." Look at your fucking past successes, you dolts: Vince Neil cannot sing. James Hetfield cannot sing (I would think St. Anger would make that painfully obvious). Perry Ferrell, while melodic, is not a "pretty" singer. And we all know Axl Rose has never had a "pretty" voice, except for in the studio. But each and every one these guys has/had (in James' case, until he proves otherwise) balls when it came to delivering the goods. They all know what rock is about. It's about walking out on the stage, all swagger and venom, and putting it down. Not one of these people you're auditioning has shown me anything approaching this, save for the Australian dude last night. Call me crazy, but he had kind of a Scott Weiland-type vibe. We'll see how that goes.

That's it for this rant. I'm sorry to see you guys pissing away your credibility with your fans, but I guess it comes with being eunuchs. Let me know if you ever find your balls again.

Sincerely,

Juggernaut

Post Fifty-Six: A fun deposition

Yesterday, I attended the deposition of an expert witness. This was one of those we attorneys live for.

The case involves an alleged premature discharge from an ER. In this case, the "expert" (please apply the quotation marks anywhere this term is used herein) was the plaintiffs’ designated expert on a nurse's standard of care. It was his first deposition (an interesting fact for an alleged expert), and was undoubtedly an educational experience for him.

The witness obtained his R.N. license in 2001 and, incredibly, started his legal nurse consulting business the same year. The expert got his start in the consulting business by attending a training seminar offered by some fly-by-night rip-off technical school, which consisted of a 6-day course, 10 hours a day, followed by a pass-fail exam.

While he was offering opinions on the standard of care for emergency room nurses, his experience as an emergency room nurse is limited. He is employed as a "float" nurse at a smallish hospital, and picks up his shifts when other nurses go on vacation or are sick. He spends most of his shifts in the cardiac wing. Very few of his shifts are actually spent in the emergency/intensive care wing. In fact, the expert admitted that his last shift in the ER came in June or July of 2005, when he was pulled in to aid with Hurricane Katrina victims.

Yeah, his lack of qualifications to offer "expert" testimony is interesting and all, but it got vastly more entertaining. During the 1980s, this guy worked in a bank in downtown Dallas. The expert was repeatedly asked questions regarding any periods of unemployment during this time, to which he responded that there may have been periods in-between jobs, or when he moved back home. Finally, the expert admitted that he had been arrested for DUI, and that this may have been the reason that he lost his job in Dallas.

However, it then got really good: the guy was asked point blank about a conviction for cocaine possession, at which point he admitted he was incarcerated for seven months during the late-1980s for such charges. He had been convicted of cocaine possession and several counts of theft (which were committed in an attempt to support his habit) and jailed in the state pen, followed by a lengthy probation period.

Notably, plaintiffs’ counsel was not aware of any of the foregoing, and a break was taken at which time I'm sure this was all discussed in detail.

The expert then testified that the Board of Nursing was aware of this conviction, and that when he sought his nursing license he was brought before the Board to discuss same. According to the witness, the Board chalked this up as a youthful indiscretion (I find that slightly hard to believe), and granted his license unencumbered. Notably, he was only "pretty sure" that these convictions were disclosed to his previous and current nursing employers.

And it kept piling on: the guy also maintains a website that he professed ignorance as to the workings of. He testified that a "foreigner" put the website together, with his only input being some internet sites from which various information was culled. Notably the website greatly exaggerates the services he offers, his experience, and oversteps the bounds for what sort of opinions he would be permitted to offer as a nurse-care expert (including providing various legal opinions) .

The expert also uses a newsletter to advertise his services, which was available online during his deposition (thanks, wireless connection!), but has since been removed (unsurprisingly). This newsletter is rife with statements that, at minimum, look bad regarding the valuation of potential cases for potential monetary damages. I don't think jurors really want to know that the experts are looking at cases involving maimings, loss of limbs, and death as potential windfalls of money.

I've spared many details, but this guy was simply destroyed. But really, this guy brought it on himself, and he really shouldn't have tried to hide his criminal history, or tried to sell himself as an expert. But it was one hell of a fun deposition.