Post One Hundred Fifty Nine: Killing Time

The wife is sick. Not in a good way, either.

No, she's got a nasty cold so I am lurking in my room keeping as far away from her as possible so I don't catch what she has on the eve of New Year's Eve. That would truly suck. We're getting together with some friends, my little brother and his wife for an evening of eating terribly and drinking heavily. I then have the rest of the week off thanks to the good judgment of the firm to go ahead and close the office on Friday.

Seriously: there is absolutely no point in law firms being open from Christmas Eve through the NCAA championship bowl game. No point at all. Nobody is interested in scheduling things, most people are out on vacation, and in any event nobody returns calls or correspondence. So it's basically a huge waste of time.

The gift-receiving end of things for Christmas kind of sucked this year. It's no one's fault, really; I didn't ask for anything specific and there was nothing I really needed. Ended up with some cash from the parents and in-laws, plus a couple of books. Oddly, no clothes at all . . . I think that must be a first for me. Wait, have to take that last part back: the wife purchased me a couple of amusing t-shirts, one of which I'm not allowed to wear around the kids for whatever reason. It says "I don't give a" followed by a picture of a rat holding onto a donkey with a leash, i.e., "Rat's Ass".

I don't understand this. When I was my daughters' age, my dad had a shirt that read "If you ain't for the Cowboys you ain't for shit." I vividly remember this shirt. No, he didn't wear it everyday (or even very often), mainly when his family came up for a Cowboys game. But I really don't see it as having any ill effect on my upbringing. Yet this shirt with a picture of a rat and donkey (which she bought me!) is somehow going to result in my daughters developing foul mouths.

Sigh. I am starting to wonder if the wife and I have anything in common.

Post One Hundred Fifty Eight: Punisher War Zone

Punisher War Zone is the worst comic book movie Marvel has produced since Howard the Duck.

There, I said it. I just sat through it and barely restrained myself from walking out. I do not know how many times I audibly groaned. I do not know how many times I rolled my eyes. But I do know that this will likely be Marvel's final attempt to produce a Punisher movie.

Seriously, how friggin' hard is it to make a Punisher movie? Here's a treatment that would work wonders:

Scene 1: Introduce Frank Castle as a bad-ass special ops soldier in some unnamed overseas conflict.

Scene 2: Frank Castle reunites with his family and best friend Microchip back in the states, only to have his wife and kids killed when they witness a mob execution in Central Park.

Scene 3: Frank Castle, mad with grief, recruits Microchip to start arming himself to take on the mobs of New York. He outfits himself in black, but puts a BRIGHT WHITE SKULL on his chest, stating something like "I will become death, destroyer of their worlds."

I emphasize the BRIGHT WHITE SKULL because in every Punisher movie that has been made, the producers have RUN from the fact that The Punisher is a COMIC BOOK CHARACTER. The Punisher NEEDS to be readily identifiable as such. Not using the skull, or dimming it so much that you can't make it out, defeats the purpose of making a PUNISHER movie. Without it, he is a generic Death Wish vigilante.

Scene 4: The mob bosses, taking heavy losses, recruit their own specialist: some dude like The Russian, Bushwacker, or Barracuda. In the meantime, introduce a detective who has been tasked with taking down The Punisher.

Now, at this point, something becomes KEY: DON'T LET THE VILLAINS HAM IT UP. Not the mob bosses, not the "super-villain." Dominic West was fucking TERRIBLE as Jigsaw. Scenery chewing, overacting, poorly made-up, and a general waste of space. Did the producers of War Zone not see The Dark Knight? Did they not see the make-up/effects used on Harvey Dent to create Two-Face? How the HELL did they let Dominic West (who I've heard nothing but good things about in The Wire) go so friggin' nuts?

Scene 5: Big gun battle where the super-villain gets the better of Punisher, and he narrowly escapes.

Scene 6: Punisher regroups with the aid of Microchip. He gets some great weapons, and goes back out. BUT FOR GOD'S SAKE, DON'T KILL MICROCHIP! JESUS!

Scene 7: Big battle between The Punisher and the super-villain where the super-villain suffers severe injuries, but his injuries are not necessarily life-threatening, keeping him available for any potential sequel.

Scene 8: The Punisher kills the mob boss.

Scene 9: Cops arrest The Punisher and take him to jail. Close with a scene with him being eyeballed by all the prison scum, with a closing line along the lines of "God help them, I'm not done."

Fade to black.

See what I did there? I set up the sequel right then and there. This treatment took me all of 10 minutes, and I could write a similar treatment for the sequel in another 10. Seriously, these movies write themselves!

Unbelievable. Ray Stevenson made for a great Punisher, but they fucked it all up with 1) him killing an FBI agent (albeit unintentionally) at the outset of the movie; and 2) him having to make up for it to the widow and child who basically fall in love with him. The man who murdered their husband and father. But it's all okay since the agent thought The Punisher was "one of the good guys." A Punisher movie is no place for such cutesy crap.

Way to go, Marvel. But let me close on this note: if you fuck up Thor like this I'm going to kick every one of your asses.