Post Fifty-Seven: An Open Letter to Supernova
Dear Jason Newsted, Tommy Lee, Gilby Clarke, and Dave Navarro:
I've been watching your show on CBS, "Rock Star: Supernova," and I have just one question for you all:
What happened to your balls?
I've really got to know. Jason: you fucking ruled the world with Metallica (although I must say I've hated everything since and including the "black album"). Dave: you were a founding member of Jane's Addiction, one of the most critically acclaimed bands of the 1980s and 90s, who successfully combined glam, alternative, and straight out rock. Gilby: you tore it up with Guns N' Roses, and your solo album was so friggin' bluesy and cool. And Tommy: what the hell has happened to you since Dr. Feelgood?
At any given time, I have absolutely loved each of your bands, and still do love your legacy. But now, you are auditioning these absolute spares for the front-man job on this alleged supergroup of yours. And, if your reviews are to be believed, you actually think one of them is going to persuade the fans from your aforementioned groups to buy the inevitable album and go to shows. You have lost your minds.
Let's face it: other than the scary chick with all the shit in her face, if these people had their druthers, they'd be singing their little hearts out for Paula, Randy and Simon [sidebar: amazing that I know these names since I've never watched a minute of American Idol]. Obviously rejected because they just don't sing the standards in quite that pop fashion to suit the mass-market's taste, they now approach you in a thinly-veiled attempt to find their 15 minutes of fame.
To paraphrase one of you: these people have no idea who you are. Period. They have no concept of your musical legacies, or the genres you fucking created and set the standards for. Look at their friggin' song selection: one of these guys has sung "She Talks to Angels" (which he absolutely mangled through his wavy-voiced bullshit that he is so obviously very impressed with) and "Arms Wide Open" (a fucking Creed cover for Christ's sake!). Two other guys have done Coldplay covers. COLDPLAY! And one guy last night actually did the Rolling Stones' "Jumping Jack Flash": what a boring-ass, played-out song. Man, leave it to the Stones to do for their 50-year-old fans that still go to their shows. And what the hell is with all the mascara on the dudes?
And the chicks seem to be hung up on Nirvana: okay, while they had an undeniably punk influence, can you really say that Nirvana had balls (with the exception of Bleach)? Let me answer that for you: no, you can't (although Dave Grohl has rediscovered his pair with the Foo Fighters). And the scary chick who seems to be all the rage: you gave her props for doing that to Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire?" Dave, you had it right with your first comment. I guess the loss of your balls forced you to quickly turn tail once the audience grumbled. My God: you can't actually be considering being fronted by such a drama-queen, cape-wearing freak, can you?
There was the girl who did the Kinks cover . . . at least she was honest in her utter lack of comprehension as to what you are looking for (or at least should be). Finally, there was the girl who did Hole's "Violet." I suppose the slut-look is a prerequisite if you're going to consider a female lead, huh?
Side note: where the fuck did CBS find this crowd? Almost everyone I know who is just a big of fan of your stuff as I am would have torn most of these guys and girls to shreds for having the nerve to think they were worthy of fronting you. But here is this audience just bobbing right along, falling in love with anyone who can sing "pretty."
But therein lies the problem: you should not want and do not need anyone who can sing "pretty." Look at your fucking past successes, you dolts: Vince Neil cannot sing. James Hetfield cannot sing (I would think St. Anger would make that painfully obvious). Perry Ferrell, while melodic, is not a "pretty" singer. And we all know Axl Rose has never had a "pretty" voice, except for in the studio. But each and every one these guys has/had (in James' case, until he proves otherwise) balls when it came to delivering the goods. They all know what rock is about. It's about walking out on the stage, all swagger and venom, and putting it down. Not one of these people you're auditioning has shown me anything approaching this, save for the Australian dude last night. Call me crazy, but he had kind of a Scott Weiland-type vibe. We'll see how that goes.
That's it for this rant. I'm sorry to see you guys pissing away your credibility with your fans, but I guess it comes with being eunuchs. Let me know if you ever find your balls again.
Sincerely,
Juggernaut
I've been watching your show on CBS, "Rock Star: Supernova," and I have just one question for you all:
What happened to your balls?
I've really got to know. Jason: you fucking ruled the world with Metallica (although I must say I've hated everything since and including the "black album"). Dave: you were a founding member of Jane's Addiction, one of the most critically acclaimed bands of the 1980s and 90s, who successfully combined glam, alternative, and straight out rock. Gilby: you tore it up with Guns N' Roses, and your solo album was so friggin' bluesy and cool. And Tommy: what the hell has happened to you since Dr. Feelgood?
At any given time, I have absolutely loved each of your bands, and still do love your legacy. But now, you are auditioning these absolute spares for the front-man job on this alleged supergroup of yours. And, if your reviews are to be believed, you actually think one of them is going to persuade the fans from your aforementioned groups to buy the inevitable album and go to shows. You have lost your minds.
Let's face it: other than the scary chick with all the shit in her face, if these people had their druthers, they'd be singing their little hearts out for Paula, Randy and Simon [sidebar: amazing that I know these names since I've never watched a minute of American Idol]. Obviously rejected because they just don't sing the standards in quite that pop fashion to suit the mass-market's taste, they now approach you in a thinly-veiled attempt to find their 15 minutes of fame.
To paraphrase one of you: these people have no idea who you are. Period. They have no concept of your musical legacies, or the genres you fucking created and set the standards for. Look at their friggin' song selection: one of these guys has sung "She Talks to Angels" (which he absolutely mangled through his wavy-voiced bullshit that he is so obviously very impressed with) and "Arms Wide Open" (a fucking Creed cover for Christ's sake!). Two other guys have done Coldplay covers. COLDPLAY! And one guy last night actually did the Rolling Stones' "Jumping Jack Flash": what a boring-ass, played-out song. Man, leave it to the Stones to do for their 50-year-old fans that still go to their shows. And what the hell is with all the mascara on the dudes?
And the chicks seem to be hung up on Nirvana: okay, while they had an undeniably punk influence, can you really say that Nirvana had balls (with the exception of Bleach)? Let me answer that for you: no, you can't (although Dave Grohl has rediscovered his pair with the Foo Fighters). And the scary chick who seems to be all the rage: you gave her props for doing that to Johnny Cash's "Ring of Fire?" Dave, you had it right with your first comment. I guess the loss of your balls forced you to quickly turn tail once the audience grumbled. My God: you can't actually be considering being fronted by such a drama-queen, cape-wearing freak, can you?
There was the girl who did the Kinks cover . . . at least she was honest in her utter lack of comprehension as to what you are looking for (or at least should be). Finally, there was the girl who did Hole's "Violet." I suppose the slut-look is a prerequisite if you're going to consider a female lead, huh?
Side note: where the fuck did CBS find this crowd? Almost everyone I know who is just a big of fan of your stuff as I am would have torn most of these guys and girls to shreds for having the nerve to think they were worthy of fronting you. But here is this audience just bobbing right along, falling in love with anyone who can sing "pretty."
But therein lies the problem: you should not want and do not need anyone who can sing "pretty." Look at your fucking past successes, you dolts: Vince Neil cannot sing. James Hetfield cannot sing (I would think St. Anger would make that painfully obvious). Perry Ferrell, while melodic, is not a "pretty" singer. And we all know Axl Rose has never had a "pretty" voice, except for in the studio. But each and every one these guys has/had (in James' case, until he proves otherwise) balls when it came to delivering the goods. They all know what rock is about. It's about walking out on the stage, all swagger and venom, and putting it down. Not one of these people you're auditioning has shown me anything approaching this, save for the Australian dude last night. Call me crazy, but he had kind of a Scott Weiland-type vibe. We'll see how that goes.
That's it for this rant. I'm sorry to see you guys pissing away your credibility with your fans, but I guess it comes with being eunuchs. Let me know if you ever find your balls again.
Sincerely,
Juggernaut
posted by Juggernaut at
8:26 AM
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