Post One Hundred Eighty Five: Two Months

How the FUCK has it only been two months since I quit dipping?

Post One Hundred Eighty Four: Wrapping up another two weeks without the wife

This was not a fun two weeks. For the first time since the Mrs. started jaunting around the world as a buyer, I also had some traveling to do. Sure, it was to El Paso and San Antonio, but it created some problems with getting the kids picked up in a timely fashion.

But I'm still not dipping.

Came the closest on Monday after the longest, shittiest day in a long time, as I was standing outside a gas station waiting on my oldest daughter to be delivered by her friend's mom at the chosen drop off spot. I was quite tempted to run in and grab a can, but my being a pretty cheap bastard worked out for me.

So there's that.

Post One Hundred Eighty Three: Perspective

Christmas was what I expected. My gifts largely sucked compared to what I got my wife, and I was my typical self at not being very good about just putting on a happy face about it.

I know: at least I got gift(s)! Well, yes. My family is not undergoing or preparing for any major purchases, house renovations, or the like, so we are fortunate enough to be in a position to presumably get each other nice things for Christmas. But based on my gifts, I have to guess that my wife REALLY doesn't know me.

I will qualify this by saying that I didn't have a great Christmas list prepared for her (although there are various items on my Amazon list that I would have been happier with) but let's compare what we received this year. To make it interesting, I'll limit her list to what I got her, while my list will include everything she and her family got me.

My wife's gifts:

1. 32 GB iPod Touch
2. Brighton jewelry: necklace and earrings
3. An expensive purse from Anthropologie
4. Michael Kors women's watch
5. Premium coffee maker
6. Dallas Cowboys shirt
7. Amusing t-shirt
8. Undergrad license plate frame

And here are mine (gifts from the wife are asterisked):

1. *North Face jacket. While it's a nice jacket, I live in Texas. I will likely wear this 3 times a year.
2. *Nike ID gift card with workout outfit. I am supposed to use the gift card to design a personalized pair of tennis shoes. Apparently my wife thinks I am 18 years old and black. I suppose it's a neat idea but how much attention have I ever paid to tennis shoes?
3. *Storage box for my watches. This was actually very practical, but probably owed more to my wife wanting me to stop leaving my watches out on my dresser. Notably: no new watch to accompany the box.
4. A bulldog-face bottle opener from Pottery Barn. It's ugly. I don't know where this was supposed to be mounted. I was going to take it back but the wife kept it (probably because it was on clearance and therefore can't be returned). Judging by the reviews from the link, this may not be a good idea.
5. Beer glasses from Brookstone. I don't know the last time I drank beer from a glass at home. Returned.
6. *A small dog that shoots foam balls up to 20' from Brookstone. Fucking stupid. Returned.
7. The great white shark remote control balloon and helium tank referenced in an earlier post. Returned.
8. Novelty Dallas Cowboys tie. When I wear ties, I do not wear novelty ties. This has been put away on a shelf in my closet.

God bless her, she obviously tried (to an extent). I am just feeling a bit, oh, short-changed. So I am ranting a bit here to hopefully avoid any of this coming out in front of her.

Regardless, hope you all had a good Christmas and have a good New Year's.

Post One Hundred Eighty Two: Decisions

I am debating arranging a fatal accident for my secretary. If life were fair I'd be allowed to kill her outright.

Post One Hundred Eighty One: My Youngest

Sometimes I wonder about my youngest daughter. Take this evening for instance: I put the girls to bed and am sitting down to catch up on American Horror Story and the season finale of Dexter. All of a sudden I hear her whimpering a bit and saying something about "swallowing." I ask her what's wrong, and ask her to repeat it, and she tells me she swallowed something.

Hmm.

I go into her room and inquire as to just what my precious daughter had swallowed. She doesn't really know.

This frustrates me.

Eventually I get it out of her that she swallowed some kind of "shiny bead" that she found on the floor of her room.

My six year old. Picks up something off the floor of her room. Puts it in her mouth.

And swallows it.

Sometimes I feel like there is something not quite right about her. Sigh.

She is of course scared, and is saying she doesn't want to go to the hospital. Given the description (as vague as it is), I tell her it will be okay, that she will likely just poop it out. Obviously, we'll have to watch out for a stomach ache or anything like that, but it doesn't sound like she swallowed any kind of magnet or battery or the like.

Kids.

Post One Hundred Eighty: Christmas

Today, I was helping the Mrs. go through the kids' Christmas presents we've been storing in the guest room. As it happened, there was one box sitting by the bed that I almost stumbled over. I started to pick it up, and my wife all of a sudden started telling me to "Look away! Look away!" Unfortunately for her, I've been reading since I was about five years old and have gotten pretty good at it.

What I stumbled over was a box containing a small helium tank that is apparently to be used to fill balloons (which are "Not Included"!). Per my wife, this is a gift from my brother- and sister-in-law.

A helium balloon tank. What fucking fresh hell is this?

I have no idea what they are thinking. I do not think I've ever exhibited any signs of having a balloon fetish, or otherwise demonstrated myself to be a big fan of balloons. As a matter of fact, I'm the one who inevitably destroys the kids' balloons because I get tired of them floating around after being tied to a chair and forgotten.

I am willing to bet my in-laws got me some damn remote control shark balloon that you can find in the Brookstone or "What on Earth" catalog. Great, something that I'll play with once (maybe), then put away and constantly have to move out of the way as I dig through whatever closet it inevitably gets pushed to the back of.

I am getting a bad feeling about my Christmas. My wife has said she had some "great ideas" for my gifts; given the fact that I didn't have a list prepared, I have no idea what I'm getting for Christmas. Of course, my wife will make out like a bandit. So I'm faced with the distinct possibility that my Christmas gifts are going to bite, but I'll have to put on a happy face because my wife seems very pleased with herself. And I'm not great at that.

Yeah, this comes off as a selfish post, but so what? It's my blog and I'll bitch if I want to.

Post One Hundred Seventy Nine: Still good

Work has been kicking my ass, but still not dipping. I'm pretty happy with myself. I think I'll reward myself with a can of dip.

/joking, joking